and I wonder,
if someday, someday
if someday I'm alive and well,
can I have a child?
-x-
it was not a big matter [1/2]
Xover_RP fanfiction AU
by *coughs*tie19*coughs*
-x-
"Papa!"
I could hear the sound of laughter.
I took a glance to the hospital park below, seeing a kid with his father running away happily and laughing altogether. I could see the child's mum, sitting on the park bench with an IV attached to her arm, laughing softly at her husband and child.
And with that, my mind flies.
-x-
I'm sorry for being rude for not introducing myself from the start, but my name is Matthew Bellamy.
I'm just an ordinary piano tutor in a piano course, nothing too special. I'm just that piano tutor who helped many people with their skills to shine bright, even brighter than me.
I'm just an ordinary man.
But I'm happy because I had a boyfriend with me. His name is Dominic Howard. He's an art teacher in a school nearby my piano course, and we got along a lot in the past. Now that he had had proposed to me a year ago, we had married for a year.
It's funny for you to me, telling you about my gay life, eh?
Please, never mind about that.
Dominic is a lovely guy. He's so kind, charming, so prince-like--at least for me. He's always there whenever I needed him the most, so I tried my best to be there for him whenever he's sad.
We were happy together. We were always happy together.
But lately, I became restless. Whenever I go out with Dominic to buy groceries or just taking a walk together to snuggle at the park, I couldn't help but pass jealous glances whenever I met a family pair with at least one child. They always looks so happy, they always laughed at each others' jokes, and the way the mom hugged the child makes my heart goes warm.
I did mention I'm jealous, right?
Yes, I'm jealous at them. I'm very jealous, to be exact. I know that it's impossible for me to have child, and the only way to have children is to adopt. Yet I didn't know if Dominic will agree, or if I could make a good parent.
The fact that I probably couldn't make a good parent scares me the most.
But Dominic realized this. He realized that I've been longing for a child for almost two months now. He realized that I've been shooting jealous glances at a family pair whenever--and wherever we go.
Yet he never asked me if I wanted a child.
And that fact scares me. I'm scared, if someday I decided to adopt a child and he agrees only because he don't want to see me sad, I'm scared. I'm scared if someday he'll leave me, he'll leave us, whoever the child will be. I'm scared.
That's why I never asked.
-x-
...turns out I can't contain all my jealous feeling deep inside my heart.
-x-
I feel pathetic.
I have been hospitalized for about a week because stress--probably overthinking abut the child matter--overtook my brain. Dominic has been worried sick at me, waiting in my side whenever he's not working, not once leaving my hand whenever I'm asleep.
I feel guilty.
I wanted to make it for him. I wanted to hug him and tell I'm sorry for thinking things that I shouldn't think about. But whenever I tugged his sleeve and I heard his "What?", I couldn't breathe.
I want to adopt a child.
Endless time he asked me, endless time I shook my head slowly to pretend that I have nothing that bothers me.
I don't know if he knows what bothers me so much lately.
This time, it happened again. I tugged his sleeve, he asked me, I shook my head. This time, he sighed, but then I could feel his arms on me, pulling me closer to him, dragging me down on a warm embrace.
"What is it?" He asked, his warm breath tickling the skin on the back of my neck and it makes me shiver. I shook my head slowly, burying my head on his shoulder as he rub my back.
"Matthew, if you want to adopt a child, all you have to do is to ask me."
I froze at his words. Nonetheless, tears started to escape my eyes, one by one tiny droplets falling down to my cheek and dampened his shirt. I wanted to say yes, I wanted to answer that I wanted to adopt a child, I wanted to tell him that I needed someone to hold other than him.
But somehow I felt it was selfish.
And I kept silent for the rest of the day.
-x-
I didn't know if it's only a coincidence or that it's a fate.
-x-
I bumped into a teen this afternoon.
I was walking back from the mini market to my house with Dominic, my head hung low as I wondered how I should start the conversation to tell Dominic about the "adopt-a-child" topic. We've been avoiding that matter for a week, and it's started to eat me out from inside.
"--Matt, wait! Watch out!"
But then I bumped into a teen.
He was (fortunately) smaller than me, but somehow I felt that he's heavier than me. I groaned before I took a full look on him, and something inside me stir when I saw him.
"U--uh, sir! I--I'm sorry, I--I wasn't looking a--around and--"
I wasn't aware about what he's trying to telling me, but something inside me snapped awake when I heard a loud grumbling noise. I looked up, dumbfounded, surprised to see the teen that bumped into me blushed brightly.
"... I--I'm sorry."
"It's not a big matter," I heard Dominic say and I blinked as he approached us. The teen blinked at him, too, looking as confused as me.
"Why don't we take a look at the monster in your stomach?" The teen blushed at Dominic's words, and Dominic chuckled slightly.
"T--there's no monster inside my stomach!"
I could only stare at them in silence, confusion overtook me when Dominic decided to tease the teen a bit longer. Images of a man laughing with a child filled my mind, and somehow it matches the scene in front of me. Now, Dominic and the teen looked happy, and if I could say it, they...looked like a father and a child.
"...well, Matt? Can you hear me? Let's go home. E needs to eat something."
I snapped out from my thoughts, heat spreading over my cheeks realizing that I'm the only one who's still on the ground. I quickly got up, brushing the dust off my pants as I looked over them. "E--?"
"M--my name," the teen whispered, a faint pink tinting his cheeks as his stomach grumbled again. "I--I hope I'm not b--bothering you?"
I blinked again, at loss of what I should say for now. But then I let my mind loose, I let a faint smile stretch my lips as a sentence runs out smoothly from my parted lips.
"It's nice to meet you, E."
